Provocative Insight

Sex and sexuality

It is important to recognize that you will all be coming from very different cultural and religious backgrounds and that the values placed upon sex and sexuality in your communities will therefore be equally diverse. Many of you, I am sure, will find that issues around sex and sexuality are often difficult for you to express, even to the point of it being a taboo subject. For some there may be a very strong feeling of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. This could be based upon your immediate family circumstances, or because your community at large feels uncomfortable with, or even positively hostile to, discussions on these subjects. If so, they may not tolerate openness on these subjects. And some of you may either be fearful of your sexual preferences or sexual difficulties, or experiencing direct hostility or prejudice because of them. This hostility and prejudice - whatever form it takes - can have very serious and lasting effects upon the person experiencing it. It is important to stress at this stage that prejudice and hostility are based largely upon ignorance and bigotry, and you are not to blame. I very much hope that if this is a part of your experience that you seek and find a way of living your life as you would wish - and to be happy! Very often it will be teenagers or young men, whichever term you feel most comfortable with, who develop deep anxieties concerning the issues surrounding sex and sexuality. Although painful at the time, these will often be worked through as a natural process during adolescence and early adult life, causing few, if any, lasting problems. For some however, this natural process of development may be prevented from continuing. As adults, they may go on to have problems around their relationship with sex, and their sexuality, which have lain dormant for some time. It is important to stress that sexual development and our sexual identity are fluid and continue to grow and change throughout our lives.

Sexuality

Broadly speaking, this is how we identify ourselves sexually, both in terms of our emotional and sexual needs, and in terms of those who we choose to relate to in order to satisfy those needs. I am sure most of you will remember a growing realization of your sexuality through puberty and early adult life, in which you became aware of the sexual changes occurring in your bodies, especially the growth of your penis and testicles, and the growing realization of your attraction sexually, and maybe emotionally, towards either persons of the opposite or same sex.

Who am I - What am I ?

Many of us have struggled with this question, especially as teenagers and young adults, when we were trying to make sense of our sexual needs, and seeking reassurance through identification of our sexuality. This is a natural process, and for many people results in them feeling comfortable and assured of themselves and their sexual identity by early adult life; this enables them to establish and satisfy their own particular sexual and emotional needs, whatever they may be. However, there may be reasons why a person's sexuality may not be expressed or developed to its full potential. It is possible that cultural or religious beliefs may act to suppress a person's ability to realize their sexuality fully, if at all. An example might be a boy brought up in a strict devout catholic family where issues of sex and sexuality are a totally taboo subject. The boy grows up into adult life largely ignorant of what sex is, and sexual relationships are frowned upon, and even masturbation is considered a mortal sin and should be avoided at all costs. Therefore there is already potentially a heightened anxiety around sex and sexuality which may result in suppression of a desire to seek out sexual relationships, or a denial of sexuality. An example being suppressing homosexual (gay) feelings, possibly to the point that they are never expressed openly, but remain a secret throughout that person's life. I do not wish in any way to express any judgment upon either individuals or religious communities, or societies, whose beliefs result in them making choices in the suppression of sexual desires or sexual identification. Again, understanding and tolerance are required by all, from both sides of the equation.

Being heterosexual ("straight" )

Generally in most communities throughout the world, being heterosexual is the norm, and therefore it's unlikely that if you're straight that you have experienced hatred or discrimination based upon your sexual identity. It is more likely that you may experience disapproval based upon your sexual behavior if it goes against the beliefs or values of your religious or cultural communities. An example might be having sex outside marriage, which might in some communities be strictly forbidden by custom or even in law, resulting in prosecution or isolation from families and friends. So being straight and living a heterosexual lifestyle can have its own difficulties, as there may be more pressure from family and the community to adopt their values. An example would be getting married and having children, which may be commitments you are not ready to make.

Being homosexual ("gay")

I am sure that there will be lots of men both young and old who are visiting this site who feel that they are gay, or are confused as to whether they might be. It is a tragedy that even in the 21st Century, many gay men experience prejudice and discrimination from their families and communities throughout the world. This may take the form of being isolated, or their sexuality just not being recognized as a valid alternative to a straight lifestyle, to rabid and violent homophobia from individuals and communities resulting in persecution, imprisonment, and even death. And since adolescents experience so much pressure to conform to the expectations of their peers and families, it is quite understandable that adolescents who have gay feelings might ignore or suppress them out of fear of the consequences. In many communities, especially in western countries of the European Community, laws are being introduced to protect the rights of gay people. Nonetheless, there is still a great deal to be done in this area, to raise people's awareness of the pain and distress caused by ignorance and prejudice towards gay people. For young people who identify as gay, or feel that they might be, there are particular pressures upon them which need to be acknowledged and respected. A feeling of isolation can be very real as they may be unable to share their feelings with their friends, for fear of being socially cut-off or ridiculed. Their biggest question often is "Who can I trust ?" Again, and for the same reasons, sharing this knowledge with family members may not be an option. Their sense of isolation can result in feelings of great distress, even depression. For example, it could be that a young person has been identified - by others - as being gay and is being isolated or bullied at school or at home as a consequence. Although some communities don't provide services designed for young lesbians and gay men, in quite a lot of western countries large cities do have specific services to offer support and counseling to them. This often takes the form of safe social groups with strict age limits to protect the young people, which are run by qualified youth workers. If you do want support and are a young person, then you probably could find out if there is a group near you through a lesbian and gay telephone help line, or through a local youth group. The important message is that help is out there, and you don't need to feel totally cut off, without help or support. There are links to stories of other young men's experiences below. Many gay men come to an understanding of their sexuality much later in life. Earlier in their lives, they may have consciously suppressed their feelings, and when circumstances change later, they are able to experience these feelings and perhaps act upon them. Oddly, there are some men who have no idea at all that they have gay feelings, and a one-off event triggers a reaction which results in them adopting a gay lifestyle. This is a clear example of the need to understand that sexual identity is a fluid and ever-changing process which continues throughout our lives. However, even with older men, support and understanding are needed to help them adapt to what it might be like to be gay. If you identify yourself in this category, there are organizations in many communities which can help by supporting you through this process of change. Many communities run lesbian and gay telephone support lines which can in themselves be very supportive, and can also inform you of what groups or counseling are available to assist you at such times in your life. I appreciate that some of you who are gay may be struggling with this issue. I want to reassure you that being gay does not have to be the end of the world, although it may seem to you to be just that! There are very many gay men living full and active lives, who see their lifestyle as being different rather than inferior to that of straight people. Another myth I wish to shatter is the belief that you must tell everyone you are gay if you are to live a gay lifestyle. Sure - in an ideal world that would be great, but based upon the society you may be living in, it might not be possible. It is important to seek support and the friendship of both other lesbians and gay men, and also other straight people who you know you can trust to be supportive of you. Being "out" to yourself is what counts, and coming out to others can wait until you are ready and willing to do so.

Being Bisexual ("Bi" )

This is where a person is either able to or needs to establish sexual or emotional relationships with persons of both sexes. Some people may think, "Wow, aren't they lucky!". But for some bisexuals this is not the case, and bi people are sometimes misunderstood by both the straight and gay communities. Some married men may identify themselves as being bisexual, in that they have a steady and loving sexual relationship with their wives, but seek relationships with men also, in order to satisfy a deep need that seems like it must be fulfilled. There is a growing awareness that bisexuals have very specific issues that often go unaddressed by main-stream gay support organizations. In many communities there are support groups and help-lines in major cities aimed at providing support to bisexuals.