Provocative Wave of Being A Man

How To Be A Man AgainFeeling neutered? Don't be alarmed; this condition is not uncommon among men in the modern world. If you're concerned that your masculinity has been gently stripped, do not overreact. At the same time, do not worsen the situation by reducing yourself further. A protein shake will not fill the void. An exfoliating lotion will not wash away your inner pain. Watching The View, with its quadrangle of Venusian discussion, will further confuse you.

When you cannot handle any more yoga, when the softness of your duvet comforter has finally sickened you and when the feeling of something missing erupts inside your brain, try turning to what men have traditionally used for satisfaction: Take your manhood on a field trip.

Get in a bar fight

A fat lip can be a great badge of honor, especially when properly earned. Many overwashed metrosexuals are afraid of popping their Botoxed faces. They are more likely to file an assault lawsuit or have a nice "sit-down" with their life coach. They enjoy paperwork and hugging. Instead, find a road house and a friend who is willing to de-tooth you. While you sit in the bar, overreact to innocent glances. If some barfly makes eye contact, rack him. Let the bar fight have its renaissance.

Grow a beard

Grow it long and do not tend to it with extreme precision as so many cover boys do. Trim it only when it becomes foul from so many gravy drippings.

Cut down a tree

Begin with no gloves and chop away mightily until blisters form, Paul Bunyan! Then, don your gloves and resume your chopping. It is not bad to take a tree from the earth if you use the wood and replace the old hickory with new saplings. With contempt for your ergonomic lumbar-support chair at work, let your muscles writhe in the movement of strenuous and vigorous life.

Take apart your car engine

The car is running fine for now -- but don't you hear a knock in the engine? That could be the valve lifters, the oxygen sensor or a piston ring. Even though it's late and you know nothing about cars, you’d better check it out.

Sit down in front of the TV for a 48-hour SPEEDtv marathon

Your den has become a neglected sanctuary, much like European churches. Have a revival meeting in your basement dedicated to auto racing and sporting events. Dig out your old leisure wear -- not the fancy velour track pants, but the sweat pants. Watch Richard Petty claim victory time and again as he takes his SuperBird around the track ad infinitum.

Go to a monster truck rally

Tired of political concerns? Attend a monster truck rally. If you don't understand the rivalry between Bigfoot and Grave Digger, drink deeply and allow the supercharged methanol vibe help you choose a side. Feel the cathartic release of joy as the jacked-up Awesome Kong steamrolls 30 tiny Datsuns under its 66-inch tires.

Eat a heart-attack meal

Proceed to Carl's Jr. for a Double Six Dollar Burger. Run, don't walk, to the nearest steakhouse and order "two porterhouses, ma'am." Do not neatly cut away the fat, but relish it, savor it, chew on it like bubble gum. If bread comes with the meal, request real butter -- or better yet, lard.

Wear your 2001 Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl shirt

Celebrate the year that your team, X, beat those pathetic losers, Y. In many ways, that was the happiest moment of your life. Wearing that jersey is also a protest to the pompous fashion world and proves that, as a male, you don't give a rip. You are not afraid to live in the past.

Break a bone

How cool is it to have a cast? Everyone asks you, "Does it itch?" You answer, "Like you wouldn't believe," and then you hand them a magic marker so they can sign your leg or wrist. Similarly, having a new scar can totally make your day. Falling off a ladder never felt so good.

Go to a death metal show

Modern angst has a tricky release valve, and sometimes the only tool that fits the nozzle is the wrench of distortion. Several masters wield that tool, so should the tension become too much, seek out the sublime anger of James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich of Metallica. If an angry tour finds its way to your quiet town, rejoice by violently banging your head. The next day, you will wake up relaxed, though possibly in another state, hundreds of miles from where you thought you were.

Catcall chicks on the street

Those in the construction industry do not have a copyright on these traditionally misinterpreted compliments. In office settings, comments like "Do those legs go all the way up?" get filed into the bin of harassment. Outdoors, however, these street witticisms have no label, unless the woman turns around and calls you a pig. In the event that she does reciprocate your compliment, ask for her phone number.

Rent a muscle car

Notice we said "rent." Unless you are Dr. Dre or otherwise filthy rich, the maintenance and storage of a gas-guzzling Dodge Charger might not fit your salary. A periodic rental can allow you to accelerate in a thunderclap of cherry bombs and compensate for some of your inadequacies. While driving, make sure to be seen. Although not clinically proven, an hour on the Vegas strip in a raging red El Camino can lengthen your life. However, because you must smoke while driving a muscle car, this increased longevity will be cancelled out.

man it up

Feminine pitfalls are at every turn. Your path is laden with unseen punji sticks smeared in bronzing creams. Infectious advertising has even turned some men away from their plates -- yes, anorexia has become common in men. When did steak become unfashionable? We must be vigilant and disallow this madness from blooming or we will soon be sending our sons off to school in knee highs and flower-laced French braids. Yes, she's cute, but you do not have to join a Pilates class. No sir; the rules of order object to such memberships. Be a man again.